Introducing DESC scripts

While most people understand the importance of assertively communicating their needs in relationships, there is often confusion about what assertive communication entails. You might find yourself oscillating between passive silence and aggressive outbursts when your needs aren’t met. Alternatively, you might resort to passive-aggressive behaviours, like making subtle jabs or using non-verbal cues to express dissatisfaction. These approaches may feel safer than directly asking for what you need, because they avoid vulnerability, but they are generally ineffective and leave both parties feeling frustrated.

So, what is the alternative? Many of us have never been taught the skills to approach communication any other way. DESC scripts provide a structured framework, designed to help you express your needs, desires, and boundaries to others more assertively and respectfully.

Understanding DESC (Describe, Express, Specify, Consequences)

The DESC script model offers a structured approach to effective communication, guiding individuals through four essential steps—Describe, Express, Specify, and Consequences. This model is particularly useful for managing difficult conversations with clarity and empathy, helping to ensure that both parties reach a mutual understanding.

Describe

Start by describing the situation using factual statements, avoiding judgment or interpretation. This sets the stage for clear communication and clarity. If we skip this step, we can accidentally enter a conversation where each party has quite a different understanding of the situation. Have you ever had a conversation, where you get part way through and realise each of you has quite different focus or idea of what’s important? This step helps reduce the risk of that happening.

Express

Clearly express your feelings or thoughts about the situation. Use “I” statements to take ownership of your emotions and perspectives. Instead of saying “you make me angry,” say “I feel angry when you do this.” Or rather than saying “you don’t understand me,” trying saying “I feel misunderstood when you do that.” Your thoughts and feelings are not objective facts, so don’t frame them like they are, but they are still valid and important. This way of presenting your experiences is much less likely to be met with defensiveness, meaning the other person can more easily take your feelings on-board and respond to them.

Specify

Assert your needs or desires explicitly, making clear and practical requests. Don’t assume the other person knows what you want. If we don’t assert what we’re asking for clearly, this leaves room for misinterpretation. People often forget this step and are left disappointed, feeling as though they have asserted their feelings and the other person is still letting them down! If you’re not sure what to ask for, this step could just involve asking the other person to collaborate on finding a solution to the problem.

Consequences

Reinforce your position by highlighting the positive outcomes that may result from meeting your request. This encourages cooperation and mutual benefit. The consequence you specify could be that your relationship will be improved or that you will both be happier, if the other person can better consider your needs.

Applying DESC scripts in practice

Let’s apply DESC to a couple of examples:

Scenario 1: Workplace setting

Describe: “During our meetings, I’ve noticed that I often get interrupted while presenting my ideas.”

Express: “I feel frustrated because I want to contribute to our discussions and feel heard.”

Specify: “I would appreciate it if you could let me finish speaking before giving your input.”

Consequences: “This will ensure that we can fully explore all perspectives and come up with stronger solutions together.”

Scenario 2: Intimate relationship setting

Describe: “I’ve noticed that we haven’t been spending much time together recently.”

Express: “I’ve missed our one-on-one time and I feel a bit disconnected at the moment. It’s important to me to feel close to you and to share experiences together.”

Specify: “I would really appreciate it if we could schedule some time just for us, maybe a date night, so we can reconnect and strengthen our bond.”

Consequences: “This will help us maintain the closeness we’ve always had and deepen our relationship. It would mean a lot to me if we could prioritize our time together.”

Using a DESC framework in your relationships can feel silly or difficult at first, because it relies on sharing our needs explicitly and authentically, which can be quite unfamiliar. But it is a powerful tool that, if practiced, is likely to lead to stronger relationships and greater self-respect.

Written by Tahlia Sanders, Clinical Psychologist at Lawson Clinical Psychology

More information

If you would like to learn more about DESC scripts, or would like to book an appointment with one of our clinicial team members, call 6143 4499 or email via our contact page.